Ryan was just defeated by his opponent in a badminton singles finals. Feeling frustrated, he put all the blame on his dad who has been promising that he will be there for Ryan's match if he got into the finals. Ryan had been training very hard in order to be qualified for finals. He felt very angry and upset as his dad did not keep his promise and thought that if his dad were there to support, it would be a morale boost for him and he could have played better and won the match eventually.
The moment he walked into the house, he saw his dad sitting on the sofa reading newspaper. Without further ado, he asked with an angry tone, "Where were you just now? Didn't you promise me that you're gonna watch my match if I got into finals?"
His dad tried to explain," I'm really sorry, Ryan. I couldn't leave my office just now because I had an appointment with my client and I had some work to do. If you have reminded me few days before your......."
Well, before his dad could finish his sentence, Ryan was really pissed off and exploded: "You don't give a damn about your son. You are such a liar! You never do what you say you're going to do..."
In return his dad got all fired up, called him a 'spoilt brat' and said that he can't think about anything but himself.
This situation is a good example of how poor communication can lead to conflict and bad feelings.
So what actually causes the miscommunication between Ryan and his dad?
Mind-reading
Ryan expected his dad to know what he was thinking and feeling, without clearly telling him. Until the time of the argument his dad had no idea how important his presence at Ryan's finals is to him. He assumed that Ryan would remind him about his finals few days before the actual match so that he could postpone the appointment with the client.
Mind-reading goes on in most relationships and people get upset because of misunderstandings. Often we expect people to know what we think - we believe that they should be able to understand where we are coming from, even though we haven't expressed it clearly. For example, we may expect someone to know they are doing something that annoys us, even though we haven't actually told them.
Therefore, an important aspect of good communication is to tell others what we think and want instead of assuming that they already know.
Another problem with the communication between Ryan and his dad is that they both criticised each other (e.g. 'You are a liar', 'You are a spoilt brat'). When they feel under attack, and usually their first reaction is to attack back (Just like Ryan's dad did).
This leads to heated arguments and conflict. It is all right to criticise someone's behaviour (e.g. 'I think what you did was inappropriate'), but labelling the whole person (e.g. 'You suck!') is unreasonable and creates bad feelings between people.
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More often than not, conflicts arise because people speak before they take the time to think over what they are about to say. If they take a few seconds to cool down and think over what they say and how the other party would react, things may turn out differently.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, in my opinion, the phrases used were quite inappropriate. I think that for family conflicts, shouting is common, but such 'name-calling' seems a little far-fetched.
Lastly, in all conflicts, both parties have a part to play in it. However, I feel that in this case, Ryan may have had a slightly larger part to play. It seemed as if he was "picking a fight" and that the conflict was inevitable after what he said. As for his father, had he tried his best to be patient and understanding, the conflict might have been averted.
Indeed, we'll always expect our close ones to read our thoughts, understand our feelings and sometimes decipher what we are actually hinting. I never knew that this situation would happen between 2 guys. I always thought that girls were the only ones who communicates this way while guys are straight-forward creatures.
ReplyDeleteDefinitey, both had a wrong start when they start critising each other with frustrations evolving. I felt that Ryan was a little immatured when he said that his dad was a liar even before he could finish talking. Ryan should have cooled down first. I guess as disappointed as one would be, they should not be disrespectful to their parents.
Ryan must have been very upset about his defeat in the badminton singles finals.
ReplyDelete‘You are a spoilt brat’, as what Ronny has pointed out, was the re-action that Ryan’s father has towards his son’s ‘You are a liar’ comment.
Usually in a conflict, it is sometimes difficult to keep ones cool and people tend to speak nasty and hurting words that they may regret after the heated argument. Even though keeping ones cool is easier said than done, I feel that it is still the best option if we feel very frustrated and we know that nothing good can come out of our mouth during that argument.
Sometimes when things go wrong in our lives, the most convenient action to take is to blame someone else, just like Ryan did. He somehow reasoned that his father's absence had affected his performance in the badminton match. There may be some truth in that, but that does not justify or change the fact that his behavior was immature. At one point or another, I believe that people must learn to grow up and accept responsibility for their own successes or failures, instead of blaming others or the circumstances around them. Immaturity is a sure and definite way to trigger off conflicts as such behavior is difficult to tolerate.
ReplyDeleteNow on the other hand, this does not mean that Ryan should shoulder all the blame. His father should know better than to break his promise. I think everyone can agree with me here that we generally we feel hurt whenever someone we love and respect breaks the promises that they made to us. His father seemed to have expected his son to remind him about the match a few days in advance. However, I felt that it would have been better if his father had taken the initiative to remember it himself by marking it down on his calendar or by using the reminder function on his hand phone. Taking such an initiative is a non-verbal way of telling your son that you cared about his match and more importantly, you prioritize your son above business meetings.
We do need to amke ourselves clear even to those close to us. Often, we think they understand us without explanation because of the closeness.
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson